Christmas Puddings

Q: What must you know to be an auctioneer?
A: Lots

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Q: Who is the most famous married woman in America?
A: Mrs Sippi

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Q: What has a bed but does not sleep, and a mouth but does not speak?
A: A River

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Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the New Year's Eve party?
A: He had no body to go with

Fishy!

Q: Why did the fisherman cross the road?

A: Just for the Hell-libut

It's a Cracker!

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The elf-abet

Poor Morris!

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'

"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

My Baby

A lady carrying a baby gets onto a bus.

The bus drive take one look at the baby and comments that it's the UGLIEST baby he has ever seen.

The lady goes to the back of the busy, both angry and sad. She looks at the person to her left and says to him that the drive had just insulted her.

he says to her that she should stand for it and she should go back to the driver and give him a telling off. "Go on!" he say, "I'll hold the MONKEY!"

Technically Correct

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Above sound familar???