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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Referee Joke #5

Refereeing or Wife?

The Referee's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Saturday afternoon with me instead of Refereeing I swear I would drop dead," she screamed.

"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Marriage Joke #3

A sudden change of mind

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the national lottery.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Knock! Knock! Joke #9

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Canoe, who?
Canoe come over and play?

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Marriage Joke #2

Like Father, Like Husband?

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Referee Joke #4

A Referee went to heaven. On arriving at the Pearly Gates, St Peter asked him if he had done anything wrong in his life. He replied that he was Refereeing a game between Arsenal and Spurs at Highbury. With just a few minutes to go, and with Arsenal 1-0 up, he gave a penalty to Spurs in front of the North End. 'But', he said, 'it wasn't really a penalty'. St Peter said to him, 'when was this?'.

The Referee looked down at his watch and said 'about 35 seconds ago'.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Marriage Joke #1

You used to kiss me

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Referee Joke #3

Have you heard about the new law they've just passed. Referees have to be buried 10 feet down!
Why's that?

Because deep down they are nice people!

Monday, March 14, 2005

Blonde Joke #8 to #12

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's tipex on the screen.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Blonde Joke #7

Ironing accident

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"He called me a second time!"

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Referee Joke #2

Two Referees were sitting on bar stools having a drink or two after the game.

The older Referee starts to insult the younger one.

He screams "I slept with your mother!"

The bar room goes quiet and everyone looks towards the two Referees, …waiting with baited breath to see how the young Assistant will react.

The older Referee screams again. "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!

"The younger Referee says: "Go home Dad, you’re drunk".