Jokes from my 5 year old

Why did the boy put sugar on his pillow?
He wanted sweet dreams


What is black and white and read at the bottom?
A badger with nappy rash


Where do astronauts keep their lunch?
In a launch box

School Yard Jokes

What's the strongest creature in the ocean?
A Mussel

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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're to young to smoke!

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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

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What is a cannibal's favourite game?
Swallow the leader.

Banish Monday Blues!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces.
The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

"First body: Italian, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, Spent
it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Ah," says the coroner, turning to the third body "this is the most
unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

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Owl Joke

Two owls are playing pool in a pub.

One owl miss hits the ball, "that's 2 hits" says the other.

"What?" says the first owl.

"That's 2 hits!"

"that's to 'it's to who?"

Chicken Joke

Why did the farmer give his chickens whiskey?

He wanted them to lay 'Scotch' eggs.

Clever Dog

Clever Dog

A large dog walks into a butcher's shop with a purse in its
mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the
meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher asks, joking
around with his customers. "Want to buy some meat?"

"Woof!" barks the dog.

"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak--"

"Woof!" interrupts the dog.

"And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo--"

"Woof!" says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the
meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.

As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog
enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and
begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings
open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

"Stop!" yells the butcher. "What are you doing? That's the
most clever animal I've ever seen!"

"Clever?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week
he's forgotten his keys!"

The priest and the boy

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is just out of his reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"