Clean Jokes

Elf Joke

2007-06-21T19:28:00.000-01:00

What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?

Elf-raising flour

Slow down for three minutes to read this.

2007-05-14T08:54:00.000-01:00

Slow down for three minutes to read this.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

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"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Rebecca- age 8

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"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4

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"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5

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"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrissy - age 6

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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4

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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Danny - age 7

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"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Emily - age 8

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"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

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"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"

Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

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"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7

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"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6

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"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8

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"My mommy loves me more than anybody

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Clare - age 6

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"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Elaine-age 5

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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."

Chris - age 7

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"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4

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"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren - age 4

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"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)

Karen - age 7

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"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica - age 8

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And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

"Nothing, I just helped him cry"

Knock Knock...

2007-05-10T18:38:00.000-01:00

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mr!
Mr who!
Missed her at the bus stop!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mozart!
Mozart who?
Mozart is in museums!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mortimor!
Mortimor who?
Mortimor that meets the eye!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Muffin!
Muffin who?
Muffin the matter with me, how about you?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Muffin!
Muffin who?
Muffin grouchy first thing in the morning!

From the mouths of babes!!

2007-04-19T11:50:00.000-01:00

From the mouths of babes!!

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied
she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you
don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say
five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you
so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried
in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her
Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it
for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it
know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please
don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth
cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do
I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom
asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll
happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The
man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city
but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James
asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and
then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

Bad jokes

2007-03-16T06:48:00.001-01:00

Why are robbers of the sea called pirates?

They just aaaaaaaarrrrrrr
____________

What did the pink panther say when he stood on an ant?

Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead ant, Dead ant, .....

____________

What is pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff

What is blue and fluffy?

(is it blue fluff)... NO

It's pink fluff holding it's breath

More Fishy!

2007-02-01T20:15:00.000-01:00

Why Don't Oysters Give To Charity?

.

.

.

Because They Are Shellfish

New Years Eve Jokes

2007-01-04T16:40:00.000-01:00

Q: What did the cat shout when it wat put in prison?

A: "Let meowt of here!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a stereo with a refriderator?

A: Cool music

Q: How do snails keep their shells shiny?

A: They use snail varnish.

Christmas Puddings

2006-12-25T22:42:00.000-01:00

Q: What must you know to be an auctioneer?
A: Lots

________________________________________

Q: Who is the most famous married woman in America?
A: Mrs Sippi

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Q: What has a bed but does not sleep, and a mouth but does not speak?
A: A River

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Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the New Year's Eve party?
A: He had no body to go with

Fishy!

2006-12-22T21:05:00.000-01:00

Q: Why did the fisherman cross the road?

A: Just for the Hell-libut

It's a Cracker!

2006-12-20T21:19:00.000-01:00

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The elf-abet

Poor Morris!

2006-12-07T15:06:00.000-01:00

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'

"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

My Baby

2006-12-02T22:34:00.000-01:00

A lady carrying a baby gets onto a bus.

The bus drive take one look at the baby and comments that it's the UGLIEST baby he has ever seen.

The lady goes to the back of the busy, both angry and sad. She looks at the person to her left and says to him that the drive had just insulted her.

he says to her that she should stand for it and she should go back to the driver and give him a telling off. "Go on!" he say, "I'll hold the MONKEY!"

Technically Correct

2006-12-01T23:58:00.000-01:00

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Above sound familar???

Pet Revenge - Toilet Cleaning Instructions

2006-09-20T19:53:00.000-01:00

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

World Cup

2006-06-18T09:49:00.000-01:00

It is just before

England

Brazil

at the World Cup. Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldino goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldino 10 minutes)".

He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium"

Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - England 1 (Owen 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino.

They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Why Parents Drink

2006-04-26T10:55:00.000-01:00

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,

"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear-piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the bossasked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with amuffled giggle: "ME."

Wacky jokes

2006-04-22T13:58:00.000-01:00

Q) What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

A) Humphrey

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Q) What music do mummies make?

A) Wrap

Elephant & Bear Joke

2006-04-20T05:30:00.000-01:00

What do you call an elephant at the north pole?

Lost!

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Why do bears have fur coats?

Because they would look silly in anoraks

Little Johnny Stands Up

2006-04-08T22:03:00.000-01:00

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,

"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Poor Joke, but I laughed all the same

2006-04-08T17:12:00.000-01:00

what did the Iceberg Vicar say to his congregation?

"Lettuce Pray!"

Jokes from my 5 year old

2006-03-22T15:02:00.000-01:00

Why did the boy put sugar on his pillow?
He wanted sweet dreams

What is black and white and read at the bottom?
A badger with nappy rash

Where do astronauts keep their lunch?
In a launch box

School Yard Jokes

2006-03-22T09:42:00.000-01:00

What's the strongest creature in the ocean?
A Mussel

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What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're to young to smoke!

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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

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What is a cannibal's favourite game?
Swallow the leader.

Banish Monday Blues!

2006-03-20T14:10:00.000-01:00

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces.
The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

"First body: Italian, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, Spent
it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Ah," says the coroner, turning to the third body "this is the most
unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

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Owl Joke

2006-03-15T20:41:00.000-01:00

Two owls are playing pool in a pub.

One owl miss hits the ball, "that's 2 hits" says the other.

"What?" says the first owl.

"That's 2 hits!"

"that's to 'it's to who?"

Chicken Joke

2006-03-14T06:50:00.000-01:00

Why did the farmer give his chickens whiskey?

He wanted them to lay 'Scotch' eggs.

Clever Dog

2006-03-12T13:10:00.000-01:00

Clever Dog

A large dog walks into a butcher's shop with a purse in its
mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the
meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher asks, joking
around with his customers. "Want to buy some meat?"

"Woof!" barks the dog.

"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak--"

"Woof!" interrupts the dog.

"And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo--"

"Woof!" says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the
meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.

As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog
enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and
begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings
open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

"Stop!" yells the butcher. "What are you doing? That's the
most clever animal I've ever seen!"

"Clever?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week
he's forgotten his keys!"

The priest and the boy

2006-03-08T11:20:00.000-01:00

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy tying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is just out of his reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"

Tommy Cooper Jokes

2006-02-24T09:55:00.000-01:00

Two blondes walk into a building... you would think at least one of them would have seen it.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home". The doctor says "That sounds like Tom Jones' syndrome" I said "is it very common?". He said "...It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

monkey business...

2006-02-11T09:11:00.000-01:00

Q: Why did the monkey put the piece of bread on his head?

A: Because he thought he was a Griller! (Gorilla)

Kids....

2006-01-22T19:28:00.000-01:00

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties.
Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight.
"I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad:
"Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over
to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

WORDS

2006-01-05T14:26:00.000-01:00

A husband read an article to his wife about
how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because
we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"

Cracker Jokes from New Years Eve

2006-01-04T19:12:00.000-01:00

Q: What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
A: A ladder in her stocking

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Q: What's white and goes up?
A: A confused snowsflake

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Q: Why are school cooks so cruel?
A: Because they batter fish and beat eggs

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Q: What ring is square?
A: A boxing ring

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Q: What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
A: About 1 mile per hour

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Q: Why is milk fast?
A: Because it is pasteurised before you see it

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Q: If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
A: Sippers

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Q: What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
A: Tarzi-pan

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Q: How can you stop a rhino from charging?
A: Take away it's credit cards

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Q: What is an underground train full of professors called?
A: A tube of smarties

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Q: What do ghosts like about tall buildings?
A: They have got lots of scare cases

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Q: What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow!

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Q: What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
A: His hoe hoe hoe!

More Christmas Cracker Jokes...

2005-12-26T18:42:00.000-01:00

Q: What's the difference between a lighthouse keeper, a thief and a pot of glue?

A: One watches over seas, ones seizes watches and the pot of glue ... Ah, that's where you get stuck

----

Q: What's the difference between a railway shed and a tree?

A: One leaves it's shed and the other sheds it's leaves.

----

"Daddy, Daddy, there's a man at the door with a bill"
"Don't be silly son - it must be a duck with a suit on!"

----

Q: Who invented fire?

A: Oh, some bright spark!

----

Q: Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A: To a re-TAILER!

----

Q: What do you get every year on your birthday?

A: a year older!

Scarecrow Joke

2005-12-20T18:24:00.000-01:00

Why did the scare crow win an Award?

Because he was outstanding in his field

More Christmas Cracker Jokes...

2005-12-18T20:46:00.000-01:00

Q: What did the shy pebble say?
A: i wish I was a little bolder.

Q: What ring is square?
A: A boxing ring

Q: What did baby for say to mummy corn?
A: Where's popcorn?

Q: Which hand should you use to stir your tea?
A: Neither, you should use a spoon.

Christmas Cracker Jokes

2005-12-11T11:26:00.000-01:00

Q: Why did the frog meow?
A: He was learning a foreign language

Q: What do you call a dog that ialways gets into fights?
A: A Boxer

Wotsits Jokes

2005-12-08T14:53:00.000-01:00

1)
What goes oooooooooooooooooo?
A cow with no lips

-----

2)
How do you get two whales in a car?
Down the M4 and across the severn bridge

Dad Son Letter

2005-12-07T23:07:00.000-01:00

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Christmas Joke

2005-12-05T10:15:00.000-01:00

Who is the only one not hungry at Christmas time?

The TURKEY. he is always STUFFED!

Waiter & Food Jokes

2005-11-21T15:11:00.000-01:00

Waiter, waiter! There's a maggot in my salad.
Don't worry, he won't live long in that stuff.

Waiter, waiter! There's a spider in my salad.
Yes sir, the chef's using Webb lettuces today.

Waiter, waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Don't worry sir, the spider in your salad will eat it"

Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

How do you repair a broken tomato?
Tomato Paste! (submitted by Laynie)

Why did the boy close the refrigerator door?
He didn't want to see the salad dressing!

A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened?
The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!

What kind of lettuce did they serve on The Titanic?
Iceberg!

Q: What do you call a spider who makes salad?
A: A salad spinner.

Q. What is the most romantic fruit salad?
A. A date with a peach.

Waiter, what is this bug doing in my salad ?
Trying to find it's way out sir !

Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad?
Not him again, he's in here every night !

Waiter, waiter! There's a caterpillar on my salad.
Don't worry sir, there is no extra charge.

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted,

"Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.

"I hardly ever get a compliment."

From Sam at:basicjokes.

Male or Female flies?

2005-11-19T08:18:00.000-01:00

A mom walked into the kitchen to find her son

stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Gripe Sheet

2005-11-05T22:43:00.000-01:00

Subject: GRIPE SHEET

QUANTAS PILOT GRIPE SHEET

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one--reassurance for those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots,
marked with a P, and the solutions recorded, marked with an S,
by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
small person pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from small person.

Men Can't Win

2005-10-22T22:49:00.000-01:00

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be ten again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got
up, brought her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and
then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a
McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a
Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest
blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a drink and her
favorite sweets, M M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his
precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

"Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it
wrong.

Kids!

2005-10-09T23:11:00.000-01:00

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders.

Their insight may surprise you! While reading these, keep in mind
that these are first graders;- 6-year-olds - because the last one is
classic!

1.Don't change horses.........................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the.......................................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of............................termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but................................how?

6. Don't bite the hand that.................................looks dirty.

7. No news is...............................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a...........................................Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new.................................math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...............stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust.................................................me.

12. The pen is mightier than the...................................pigs.

13. An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's...............................pollution.

15. Happy the bride who...........................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is...........................................not much.

17. Two's company, three's................................the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...........you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as............................Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not..................spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed......................get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you..........see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind.....................get out of the way.

The WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than...........................................pregnant.

Who says our little ones aren't smart and extremely observant!!!!????

You have to love ... First graders!

2005-09-17T23:28:00.000-01:00

Fast Car

2005-08-15T08:50:00.000-01:00

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said , "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday, the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

Picking on men jokes

2005-08-10T09:08:00.000-01:00

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him,
A2: three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You're not holding the pillow down hard enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women ... ?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds.

Irishman job interview

2005-07-03T11:42:00.000-01:00

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you
go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says,"

All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying:

"A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ...

So, when do I be starting the job?!"

Money

2005-07-01T11:48:00.000-01:00

Money
> It can buy a house
> But not a home

> It can buy a clock
> But not time

> It can buy you a position
> But not respect

> It can buy you a bed
> But not sleep

> It can buy you a book
> But not knowledge

> It can buy you medicine
> But not health

> It can buy you blood
> But not life

> So you see money isn't everything
> And it often causes pain and suffering

> I tell you this because I am your friend
> And as your friend I want to

> Take away your pain and suffering!!
> So

> Send me all your money
> And I will suffer for you!
> Cash only please!
> After all, what are friends for, uh??

Tiger race

2005-06-05T17:06:00.000-01:00

Two friends are walking in the jungle.

Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them.

One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on.

With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?"

"I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".

Freaky Bathroom!

2005-05-25T11:49:00.000-01:00

This is the bathroom floor at an artist's house.

He thought it would be cool to freak out his friends when they came over.

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY....GET DRUNK....AND THEN HAVE TO VISIT THIS BATHROOM!

Some diets go TOO far!

2005-05-19T14:11:00.000-01:00

Joke from my five year old daughter!

2005-05-15T13:20:00.000-01:00

What floats on water and is rude?

Crude oil!

Old married couple joke

2005-05-06T07:02:00.000-01:00

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the old man began eating his French fires, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing she just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them! another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."

Party Joke

2005-05-02T17:56:00.000-01:00

A man is running down the street with a woman on his back,
anther man shouts to him

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to a fancy dress party"

"As what?"

"A turtoise"

"Who's that on your back?"

"That's Michelle (Me shell)"

Yearly Physical (Almost clean enough)

2005-04-27T12:32:00.000-01:00

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,

"What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR"

Typoglycemia

2005-04-25T12:49:00.000-01:00

To those of you involved in education I am sure this will bring back vivid memories..... I am glad I did sums....

To those of you involved with the press in some form, there is a story here somewhere.....

To those of you in business, just think how your customers could react....

To anyone else...happy reading!

Typoglycemia

Don't delete this because it looks weird.

Believe it or not you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Policeman jokes #1 & 2

2005-04-23T20:23:00.000-01:00

A policeman in a patrol-car notices that a woman driver in a car passing him, is knitting. He chases her and driving alongside says, "Pull over", to which she answers, "No socks".

A policeman stops a woman-motorist. She is driving too fast. He says, "Forty-five at least"
She answers, "Well, I always look older in this hat".

Rugby Joke #1 and 2

2005-04-21T08:33:00.000-01:00

Q - What do call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a Six Nations game?
A - A Waiter

Rugby isn't a matter of life or death...
A Welsh fan was watching a Six Nations game against Ireland in Dublin. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - right next to him. Who does that seat belong to?" asked Dai from the row behind.

"I got the ticket for my wife," replied the fan.

"But why isn't she here?"

"I'm afraid she died in an accident."

"So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect," said Dai.

"No," said the fan, "I offered it to all of my friends."

"So why didn't they take it," asked a puzzled Dai.

"They've all gone to the funeral."

Cowboy Joke #1

2005-04-15T17:13:00.000-01:00

A cowboy walks in to a bar wrapped in brown paper.

After about 5 minutes the sheriff comes in and arrests him for rustling.

Blonde Guy Joke!

2005-04-14T18:31:00.000-01:00

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!"

Stupid people stories

2005-04-10T07:33:00.000-01:00

YOU MEAN ME?

A pair of York robbers entered a record shop nervously waving guns.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Marriage Joke #4

2005-04-06T08:43:00.000-01:00

Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

From the court room

2005-04-01T09:02:00.000-01:00

These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Referee Joke #5

2005-03-30T19:42:00.000-01:00

Refereeing or Wife?

The Referee's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Saturday afternoon with me instead of Refereeing I swear I would drop dead," she screamed.

"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.

Marriage Joke #3

2005-03-27T08:34:00.000-01:00

A sudden change of mind

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,

John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the national lottery.

Knock! Knock! Joke #9

2005-03-25T18:31:00.000-01:00

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Canoe.
Canoe, who?
Canoe come over and play?

Marriage Joke #2

2005-03-20T08:23:00.000-01:00

Like Father, Like Husband?

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Referee Joke #4

2005-03-19T07:49:00.000-01:00

A Referee went to heaven. On arriving at the Pearly Gates, St Peter asked him if he had done anything wrong in his life. He replied that he was Refereeing a game between Arsenal and Spurs at Highbury. With just a few minutes to go, and with Arsenal 1-0 up, he gave a penalty to Spurs in front of the North End. 'But', he said, 'it wasn't really a penalty'. St Peter said to him, 'when was this?'.

The Referee looked down at his watch and said 'about 35 seconds ago'.

Marriage Joke #1

2005-03-16T08:08:00.000-01:00

You used to kiss me

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Referee Joke #3

2005-03-15T07:51:00.000-01:00

Have you heard about the new law they've just passed. Referees have to be buried 10 feet down!
Why's that?

Because deep down they are nice people!

Blonde Joke #8 to #12

2005-03-14T08:12:00.000-01:00

#8
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

#9
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

#10
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

#11
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's tipex on the screen.

#12
Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Blonde Joke #7

2005-03-13T07:56:00.000-01:00

Ironing accident

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"He called me a second time!"

Referee Joke #2

2005-03-09T07:52:00.000-01:00

Two Referees were sitting on bar stools having a drink or two after the game.

The older Referee starts to insult the younger one.

He screams "I slept with your mother!"

The bar room goes quiet and everyone looks towards the two Referees, …waiting with baited breath to see how the young Assistant will react.

The older Referee screams again. "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!

"The younger Referee says: "Go home Dad, you’re drunk".

Knock! Knock! Joke #6, 7 & 8

2005-02-25T18:26:00.000-01:00

Knock! knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel working? I had to knock.

Knock! knock!
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Are you an owl?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Goat
Goat Who?
Goat to the door and find out.

Blonde Joke #4, 5 & 6

2005-02-22T07:51:00.000-01:00

#4
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

#5
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

#6
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Laywer Joke #3

2005-02-21T10:03:00.000-01:00

Deathbed Lawyer

Why was the lawyer skim reading the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!

Who drove that bus?

2005-02-20T07:22:00.000-01:00

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

In June a replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.

Blonde Joke #3

2005-02-17T07:49:00.000-01:00

Cooking

Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Referee Joke #1

2005-02-15T07:54:00.000-01:00

Did you hear about the Referee who went on a date with a football manager's daughter?

She dismissed him for handling, interference and trying to remove her jersey.

Laywer Joke #2

2005-02-11T10:01:00.000-01:00

Catfish and Lawyers

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Knock! Knock! Joke #4 & 5

2005-02-10T18:22:00.000-01:00

Knock! knock!
Who's there?
Kent
Kent who?
Kent you tell by my voice?

Knock! knock!
Who's there?
Jess
Jess who?
Jess me and my shadow

Annoying phone calls

2005-02-09T07:29:00.000-01:00

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.

Waiter Jokes #3 & 4

2005-02-08T15:26:00.000-01:00

Waiter! Waiter! What's this gravestone doing in my salad?
It's a tomb-ato

Waiter! Waiter! There are some ghosts in my stew!
That's because it's ghoul-ash, sir

Animal Joke #3

2005-02-05T11:25:00.000-01:00

Why did the monkey put a slice of bread on his head?
Because he thought he was a griller

Waiter Jokes #2

2005-01-17T15:25:00.000-01:00

Waiter! Waiter! There's a button in my food.
It's probably from the jacket potato.

Spooky Jokes #1 & 2

2005-01-15T15:18:00.000-01:00

Where do you find giant snails?
On the end of giant's fingers.

What do monsters play at parties?
Swallow my leader

Knock! Knock! Joke #2 & 3

2005-01-15T11:28:00.000-01:00

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and you'll find out.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Wheatibix
Wheatibix who?
I'll tell you tomorrow, it's a cereal.

Waiter Jokes #1

2005-01-13T15:22:00.000-01:00

Waiter! Waiter! My meat has got a footprint on it
Well you said "bring me a steak and step on it!"

Blonde Joke #2

2005-01-12T07:44:00.000-01:00

Poor ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Surrey.With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee!''

Animal Joke #2

2005-01-11T11:22:00.000-01:00

What do you get if you cross a camera with a crocodile?
A snap shot.

Knock! Knock! Joke #1

2005-01-10T11:19:00.000-01:00

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Alison
Alison Who?
Alison to my radio

Little Johnny Joke #1

2005-01-09T08:28:00.000-01:00

What I just saw!

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on thechalkboard.

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom!" she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." She says.

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Animal Joke #1

2005-01-08T08:48:00.000-01:00

I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Blonde Joke #1

2005-01-07T07:37:00.000-01:00

Born that way

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.

Laywer Joke #1

2005-01-06T09:55:00.000-01:00

Shark Attack
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Halloween Jokes - 1 to 7

2004-10-29T08:42:00.000-01:00

What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetit!

What goes 'Ha Ha Ha', thud?
A zombie laughing its head off

Why don't mummies like to take a break?
They're afraid to unwind

What do you get if you cross a snowman with Dracula?
Frostbite

How can you tell that a vampire has a cold?
Because of his coffin!

What does a witch want in a hotel?
Broom service!

Why do ghosts make bad liars?
Cos you can see right through them!